I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
