Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
