u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
PANTIES FOUND
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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