His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
