I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
