i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
