I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
