She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
