Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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