Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
