I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
