You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
