I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
