You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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