I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
