I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
