I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
