He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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