Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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