I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He passed out mid-signature
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
