Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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