It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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