Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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