The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
