if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
