I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
