Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Couch. On fire.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
