He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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