I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
