worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
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