When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
