I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
