I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
