please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
