note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize