i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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