Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
