HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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