Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
birth control should be required to get into college
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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