69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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