when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
