I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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