I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
