take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
