i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
