Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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