We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
