I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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