I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
