i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
