Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
