so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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