I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
